Here I Am Grieving Again ..

So , as I told you all my story about my other baby in heaven . But today .. right now I’m thinking about him again. Honestly , sometimes I look at pictures of his father because like … I try to imagine what the baby would have looked like . I don’t think people understand how painful an abortion is . I made a huge mistake, I was told that I would be put in the brig for being overweight in the Marines while I was pregnant . I was left alone and ( I was an atheist at the time ) I just figured the baby was better off with God than with me . After that I started dating Jesus . I used to just go to the beach and sit by the ocean and cry and talk to God . Now I admit I wasn’t the best person before I knew Jesus but I know I would have been a good mom . What is ever harder is that a pastor told me that abortion was the right decision, which is why I left the church I wish I never listened to her . Years later I think about the baby , because you know when you get around prophets they tend to tell you what God is saying and everyone keeps prophesying “it wasn’t your fault “ … but that doesn’t take the pain away . When I look at Ruth I feel so guilty . Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine cuddling next to him and holding him . It’s the worst when I dream about him , I cry . I dream about him in heaven wrapped in all white cloth in a basket like Moses . That’s the worst . I’m glad God has him but I don’t know how to stop hating myself . I pray but … like it doesn’t take the pain away . His father ( not saying I miss him cause I don’t ) has a very beautiful smile so it’s painful when I think of him ( I think it was a boy because I have been pregnant two times and I felt totally different with Ruth … with Ruth I was sooooo hungry and you could see it in my face , with the other baby I was so angry and emotional (not hungry ) and a little bloated ) . Then what made it even worst is that the fathers friends went to my job and told everyone he didn’t want me because I was black and they laughed at me (while I was pregnant ) . Man that was a terrible time , I think the self hatred came because I don’t know why I let what they said get to me . But I’m trying to forgive myself . I don’t think his father and I would have ever worked out . But I know that that baby would have been beautiful like his father . For a while I hated his father , I just kept blocking him because I hated that he left me to deal with that situation alone . But now I’m learning to let go . I think I need therapy to deal with it . I read the Bible a lot . But it’s so hard because … I just feel so guilty. I’m watching my daughter grow up wondering how my other baby would have been . That’s the worst feeling in the world . I honestly hate myself for what I did and I know God forgives me , but I don’t know how to forgive myself . That’s the truth about abortion , you’ll hate yourself when it’s over like me .

Diamond

Date 2/06/2024