Category: Anxiety, and Depression

Another Year That I Suffered 

Another Year That I Suffered 

So I am going to do this new method of not pretending, because not pretending is going to help those women who are being abused not commit suicide because of what they are going through. So… today is Mother’s day and my husband confronts me about a blog post saying that I am doing things behind his back and playing him behind his back… laughing out loud… Let’s go down the list of what he has done to me. 

  • While I was pregnant he threatened to choke me out  on my birthday and I had to jump out of a moving car on the highway.
  • When I gave birth I found all types of stuff in his phone and right after pushing out his baby. 
  • The police came to my house because he bought stolen stuff off the street after I told him not to and he almost got arrested .
  • He is the reason I did not graduate this year. 
  • I had to work four jobs after my daughter was born and never got to heal after having a baby because he would not be a man and take care of her financially. He was so concerned about his other daughter and I did not want to take care of mine. He was giving to two other kids that did not belong to him and did not want to help me with mine.
  • When my daughter was first born he would not help me financially and I took care of her by myself without his financial help. Matter of fact I had to walk in the cold with my newborn baby by myself because she needed food and a nice woman saw us and pulled over and helped us. She told me her child’s father jumped her with his brother as well so she said to keep going basically and I was not alone. 
  • I have to pull his teeth for him to pay bills, but he put two kids that do not belong to him through college. 
  • His daughter tried to ruin my daughter’s first birthday because the attention was not on her. 
  • His ex-wife is functioning cocaine addict and lies on me constantly to cover up the fact that she is hooked on drugs 
  • Oh but let’s really get into it. He let his daughter be friends with a woman’s daughter who wanted to have a threesome with him, but thank God I have the Holy Ghost and after investigating I found out the truth. 
  • Now let’s realllllyyyy get into it. Let’s talk about how he told me his own mother was acting gay towards me and she set me up to be jumped by her son ( who also was jealous that I did not want him & another female that was also angry that I did not want her) and called the police on me, tried to take me to court so I could not enter a house that I LEASED and not her, all because I did not want to have sex with them . 
  • Let’s talk about how I was pregnant , gave him money for his business, and was there working with him and I stood outside the door ( he did not know I was there ) and listened to another woman flirting with him while I was pregnant. 
  • Let’s talk about all the times he had me in the hospital. 
  • Let’s talk about all the crazy stuff he did to me.
  • He won’t watch my baby so I can lose weight. 
  • When I try to go to the gym he sits there and argues with me so that I can’t work out and get back in shape. 

This is the crazy thing. This fool has done all of this and is angry because I am attracted to someone else. I have helped him through racism, gave him money to help his business, and I am constantly going through warfare and dealing with his crazy mess and he has the nerve to feel some type of way and asking if I am letting a police come over when he not her. Boy please I wish he was so I could escape his crazy behind. Now , my husband seems to have a problem with someone I was entangled with in the past named Keenan. Well let me clear that up, no I am not attracted to keenan anymore. But I do have to say that there was a time that I was pregnant by him so that other people do not lie. I said what I said. Listen. I truly believe that one day I am going to be the happiest woman on Mother’s Day.

 I believe that one day I will enjoy waking up and be happy with someone that truly will be a good man that I desire. I regret my marriage because he was a mistake. I told him that. I do not know why he is acting shocked. I do not know why he is playing the victim when I already told him that I wanted a divorce over and over again. He does stupid stuff that makes me look bad. I have a whole court case and he does something stupid like buying stolen stuff off the street and having the police come looking for him. I am tired of dealing with men who have been raised by failed mothers. I am not your mother and I do not have to put up with stupidity. If you keep making dumb decision’s bad things will happen to you. Now my husband is almost 40 and I am tired of dealing with dumb stuff. I said what I said. Now I am a real woman. Now , you know I have a church. Look, I am a good pastor married to a miserable and horrible husband. You can come hear me speak if you want but my husband is a terrible husband. I am not hiding anything, I am telling the entire truth. I made a mistake. I was trying to escape my childhood and married someone that has a family just like my childhood, that is a whole other mental battle I deal with. Moral of the story is do not let anyone who abuses you make you feel bad for wanting to be free. 

Real As Can Be, 

Susanna

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A woman feeling like she can’t find a good man. 

A woman feeling like she can’t find a good man. 

So don’t be too good or too wise! Why destroy yourself? – Ecclesiastes 7:16

God Works Everything Out For The Good

Recently, I met this very beautiful male police officer. He was gorgeous to be honest and he looked very clean and neat in his role as a police officer. He had very nice teeth and was very kind and understanding and then he went on his way. I did not say anything to him about what I was thinking, but I really began to rethink everything I believed in. As you all know, I didn’t really like police officers because of what I saw growing up. But then God reminded me that I almost became a military police officer and I have been involved with military men in the past. 

Being a marine veteran, I can say that I am a very strong woman. I have survived the toughest battles and the strongest storms. I remember one time, I even walked through tornado winds and it was God that kept me through that. Yet honestly, I pray I never have to go through that again with some things I just do not need multiple tests in.. lol. 

What I am about to say is not from an obsession but an observation. While looking at him and how in shape he was and his beautiful and amazing physical stature, I realized that it is extremely difficult to find a good man. Many men try to talk to me daily, but I am never interested in them because they do not meet my criteria. I want a man that has a job and a good career, stability can provide a stable home and place to live. I want a man that is educated and intelligent. I want a man that is strong either military styled or police officer styled. I want a man with a good job. I do not want a man that I feel like I am emotionally stronger or physically stronger than. I want a strong man.

I Do Not Relate To These Other Women  

I do not understand these other women and how they try everything to take away a man’s masculinity. I have a lot of issues with feminine men and I constantly have to correct them and put them in their place. That is one major reason I could not stand the marines, they are the world’s strongest group of feminine men who like to argue with women. There is no way I would ever let a sissy man defeat me. That would never happen. Anyways, I do not understand why these women want soft men who get their nails done, wear man purses and side bags, and soft men who paint their nails. I cannot stand when a man crosses his legs. I hate it because it’s soft and shows weakness. I hate that when a man talks with a light voice, and cries , and I can not stand an emotionally weak and sensitive man. 

I look at this generation of men and I can say that it is honestly embarrassing. But what is even worse is the women who are lawmakers who make laws to try and destroy men because they do not share the same opinion as them which is insanity, thankfully God blocks them and stops them from doing what they want. 

Do not give your strength to women, your ways to those who destroy kings. – Proverbs 31:3 

As a woman God made me to have a husband. Yet, in the midst of separation and headed toward divorce I am very concerned about who my next husband will be because trust me I have options. Yet God tells me, “fear has no future here”. I do not want a man that is a musician and records all day on tik tok and social media. I do not want a man that is trying to become the next DJ or party promoter. I want a grown man with a grown man mentality. I am thinking that maybe my next husband is a police officer ( I am not saying it’s the police officer I met, I am talking in general). I do not think I could do another military man but maybe my next husband is in the military. Like I said I have options. As I am rediscovering myself.. I realized that I did not fit in because I wanted a real strong man. I wanted a man that other women wanted to destroy. I wanted a man that was strong, could provide, and could take care of me as a woman. I am so sick of seeing soft and emotional men online. I am sick of seeing grown men dressing immaturely and watching anime like a child. A grown man watching anime and cartoons and having anime cups and magazines which shows weakness and again softness. I am tired of immaturity, the softness, and weakness in this generation of men. 

Moving Forward 

I am not going to lie.. Years ago before I even met my husband God told me this day would come.  I did not understand why God would rip certain relationships away from me but now I see why. What I have learned over the years is that when you are dealing with a soft man (especially in the church) they can do some very evil things to you because they themselves are cowards and they are weak. I knew that God was calling me at a young age to be a wife to a strong man and I allowed people in the church to detour me from that and I regret it. Now here I am about to 30 questioning everything that I believe in about marriage. God knew this day would come and he did warn me and I had to learn the hard way. God understood me before I understood myself as a woman ; the way a real father should. Yes, in the past I had to fistfight men to protect myself and I always won. I have been jumped and always won. I have been caught in the middle of gang shootouts in Chicago, Illinois. I have been kicked out of summer camp in south side Chicago for fighting. I have almost been arrested multiple times for fighting . All of that has made me tough as I am. Now going through that and being with a weak man is like living a nightmare. So.. if you are a woman reading this, trust me you are not alone and feeling like you need a supernatural move of God to have a husband because all the men are soft , weak, and gay. If you are a man reading this do not let anyone make you feel bad for being a strong man. 

Sincerely Susanna, 

P.S. I have legally changed my name to Susanna. 

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Susanna Personal Tweet

Today I was dealing with something heavy and I felt.. heaviness. God told me vengeance is mine says the Lord I will repay. I began to have visions of what was to come and then a beautiful vision of my daughter twirling and walking (at that minute she could not twirl yet).. well about 5 minutes later I went into a room and she did her first twirl and stomp as a baby. Right before this time God told me something that I really need it and confirmed it with my baby tinkas.

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Needless to say , the economy is down… the government is evil.. and everyone is living pay check to pay check.. and the spirit of Judas Iscariot is loose and God is preparing me for something serious. I want you to know that I hope and pray that if you are wrestling with suicide that God does indeed love you. You are not the only one. I can’t say my business but I have trials and tribulations like everyone else. My trials are just really really difficult as a apostle. I do not look down on anyone for having money problems because right now every one does. Let me pray for you.

Isaiah 54:17New King James Version

17 No weapon formed against you shall prosper,
And every tongue which rises against you in judgment
You shall condemn.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord,
And their righteousness is from Me,”
Says the Lord.

Father,

I bind a relapse in the spirit. Help me and other’s from relapsing. Father I decree that your children are turning their head from what used to entice them and are returning back to Christ Jesus. Father I bind the devil right now. Also, Father I pray that any man that is facing a attempted murder charge for false accusation’s I decree that you are sending a WITNESS to vouch for their character and they be declared NOT GUILTY ! In The matchless name of Jesus Christ ! Amen.

Romans 1:12New King James Version

12 that is, that I may be encouraged together with you by the mutual faith both of you and me.

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Exposing The Truth About Plan B (DO NOT TAKE PLAN B PILL)

Exposing The Truth About Plan B

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After praying God told me to say something. Recently I watched a video of Forbes about how the government is stealing mayan babies who are being kidnapped and human trafficked by the Federal Government. What was even more sickening is that in the video people from the Federal Government were laughing at her share about how children are being delivered to pedophiles who are sponsors and America is serving as the middleman for sexual molestation of pedophiles. Understand that the people who were laughing in the video are a part of it and there is a pedophile right now in the federal government. As someone who was kidnapped , raped, and tortured by people who worked in the Federal Government (Department Of Homeland Security, Pentagon, Department of Education, & Chicago Police Department) this is real and very serious. If you are in South America DO NOT MIGRATE to America it is evil you are safer there !

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Yet, for years I have been preaching against Plan B because it is evil and I said I regret it… but as I was praying the Holy Spirit revealed to me something after watching a demonic commercial for a new abortion pill named “Julie”. In order for a pregnancy to be terminated the baby has to be removed out of the body… In order for a baby to be declared dead it has to be declared dead after giving birth (but this is not all babies your baby will live and not die and my children live and not die)… Now if women (I took it as well and I regret it so deeply) have taken it then where is the baby? In order for the pregnancy to be ended the baby has to be fully removed but if it did not come out through urine or other means… then the baby has to be incubating in the womb still.

Currently, I am suffering a side effect that is in Plan B and everyday it is hard to deal with it.. But when I did this it was 2016 and in 2023 I am dealing with this. This is very serious and I am trying to warn people to get ready  because there are some things that are going to cause people to question everything that they believe in. We need God more than ever. Is the pill embalming the baby and putting a capsule on the sac of the baby? People of God, only God can move in this situation. Because it is sick that the federal government came up with this and we need to stand against this evilness. Only God knows what to do next. All I am saying is that God told me to study the story of Lazurus and God said the Lazarus Effect will be the outcome from this evil Plan B that the Federal Government loosed on women. 

Copyrighted By, 

Apostle Susanna Manasseh 

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What To Do When Someone Does Not Love You

What To Do When Someone Does Not Love You

He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” – Revelation 21:4 

Truth Be Told

When I was younger I went through some things. I dated men that I really did not like and I was not attracted to because I was trying to satisfy everyone else’s opinion of the type of woman that I should be or the type of man that I should date. Well that did not turn out well. 

  • One – I am very private, and I had to realize that when people were trying to get me to open up, it was because they wanted some type of leverage to use against me when I was down. 
  • Two – There were certain things that bothered me in regard to the type of man that I wanted. I wanted a very strong man and I liked rough men. I could not find that in the church because the men were weird and I could not deal with that. 
  • Three – God told me I had to stay in the church and he would send the right man that was good for me. 

If You Do Not Have Love Then You Do Not Have Anything 

I am 27, and in three years I will be 30. I now realize how important love is. As a woman I really do love the essence of love and it is something that I need because that is how God wired me. I love candles , the peace and serenity that comes with love, and I LOVE flowers. God really made me feminine. Moral of the story do not let society or the church strip away your identity as a woman. If you desire a man then God will give you a man because that is how God made you. 

Love Susanna ❤ 

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God told me to delete my social media

God told me to delete my social media. So on here you will see my own personal tweets, my personal insta pictures , and my own personal Facebook post. So there you have it folks below is some picturessss of me pregnant and you will have some moment of messages because some post will be just me tweeting. Muah !

This me pregnant I was a thickums I want another baby so bad ! I keep praying and praying ! But this made me really regret my decision with my first baby daddy. Me and him don’t really talk but everyday I wish I made a different choice. He’s some semi-tik tok famous guitar player that all these females want but I decided to just let that go because well.. he wants something else besides me. I think most women have to know when to let things go you can’t make a man be attracted to you or want you.. you just have to let it go and move on. But if anything I would tell a young woman do not abort your baby because a man does not love you and he does not want you, that decision was the worst mistake of my life because even if he did not want or love me I know my baby did and that is very hard to deal with. It’s not easy seeing little light curly head boys running around because I know that is what my baby would have looked like. Young women learn from my mistakes.. if a man does not love you that is NOT a reason to abort your baby.. keep your baby. Everyday I think about how old my baby would have been. Even now I deal with the grief by myself. There are some stages you go through like sometimes you just want to talk to the father because it still hurts out of grief but don’t do that, I did that it only makes it worse. I think the psychology of reconnecting with the father after a abortion is that you want to feel,see, and hear that person because it’s the closet you will get to your actual baby. But again don’t do it because when they reject you it’s even more painful . Just take it to God !

This is me when I served in the Marines around 2017 .. I can’t believe I enlisted in the marines almost 10 years ago. Lol I am so glad to not be in because I hated it lol ! They were racist ! Lol

This me before the baby … Lord losing weight after a baby is warfare ! I have gotten so thick I don’t know what to do ! God help me ! I think was Fall 2020

This is a selfie around 2021 … I was a new mommy and battling depression. My baby was born premature and I almost had to drop out of college because she was so sick ! I was paying all her bills by myself with a baby who had a hole in her throat ! I was very depressed but God is faithful.

Looking at this photo makes me have mommy grief lol I wish I was this skinny again . I was a XS now…. I can’t even say Lol but this was the worst job of my life lol.. no the marines was the worst this HAD to be second ! Lol

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