I Didn’t Get To Heal

 I Didn’t Get To Heal 

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When I found I was pregnant I was very very shocked … because I was in a bad place . I didn’t expect to get pregnant because I never wanted to be married so , you know in Christian culture you have to be a wife and have kids and whatever … but I never wanted that . So when I found I was pregnant I was happy … but I really realized how totally broken I was. 

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It was hard watching everyone have a baby shower and be happy … I didn’t have any friends so I didn’t get that . I didn’t have family that loved me so I didn’t get to have a registry . I didn’t get to call and have someone check on me or really care about how I was doing . I celebrated her 1 month by myself with a ballon and a cake singing happy birthday to her . But tonight … I realized that maybe my ministry is for the woman who didn’t get to heal. Maybe my ministry is for the woman whose husband beat her after having the baby and is broken . Maybe my ministry is for the mother who had to work right after having a baby (like me ) because she had responsibilities and didn’t get to rest . Maybe my ministry is for the woman who was beaten 3 months after having a baby and felt empty and foolish . Maybe that’s who God has called me to . I was going through my phone and found this picture of me and my daughter . My eyeliner is gone on one eye because I was tired after working a night shift . She looks so much like me . As I watch her sleep I honestly beg God that she doesn’t have my story . That’s the hard part of being a mother . We clean houses , sweep floors , endure domestic violence while secretly wiping tears from our faces . We smile at church when our husband just hit us in the car . We suffer and give birth when men leave us at the hospital by ourselves . And yet … when our baby says “mommy I love you “ all that pain goes away because our children don’t know what we just went through to pay our bills . 

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I’ve accepted I’m not called to the pinky promise clan , that eat vegan and never have to worry about anything because there husbands just love them so much … nope … I’m called to that woman who was been beaten and choked while pregnant , I’m called to that woman who hated herself and cried herself to sleep every night while pregnant because her husband keeps staring at other women in public … I’m called to that woman who didn’t get a chance to heal after she had a baby because she had to pay bills … I pray for you because I pray for myself. God will provide and take care of you .

Sandre’a

Break The Curse Of Maternal Hatred & Abuse

As I was reading the word of God today a line appeared and it said “identifies the speaker as Nehemiah, son of Hachaliah” . Lately , God has been speaking to me a lot about motherhood and parenting in my personal time with God . There are not many good examples of motherhood especially in the church. There are not good examples of loving our children and preparing our children to carry the torch. Although , Nehemiah authored a book of the Holy Bible , his father Hachaliah planted the seed so that Nehemiah could go forth . 

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Bigger Opportunities 

Maybe Nehemiah father didn’t have the same opportunities as Nehemiah did. Maybe Nehemiah father HAD to work on the farm all day to provide for his family … Maybe Nehemiah family was born into poverty and he HAD to work long hours to get his family out of poverty ? Maybe all this is true . 

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Personal Experience 

When I was in High-school although I was accepted into a AP Program for gifted children , I wasn’t allowed to do homework when I got home because my abusive family made me and wanted me to fail out of the program because according to their words they wanted me to be a bum like my father

 – but I would NEVER do that to my own child … My daughter Ruth is so smart and so advanced that she shocks many at her level of intelligence… now only if she could not climb out her crib and climb out when she thinks I’m not looking that would be nice 😂

I didn’t have another option beside the military actually truth be told I never wanted to go into the Marines , I wanted to go into the Army buuuuttt again they wouldn’t sign the papers for any other branch because there was a weird obsession of making it look like I wanted to be like someone’s creepy spouse 

  • with Ruth … she is NOT ALLOWED to enter into the military .. she better figure it out , now when I have a son maybe … because God has told me something about my future son . But my daughter ? NO ! 

I went through a lot of abuse as a child , things that I’m to ashamed to even speak of , but because she was a police officer she abused me and did some of the most evil and terrible things to me and then called the police on me and 9 times out of 10 they believed her because she was a police officer , but there was 1 police officer who said that God had a plan for me 

  • That will NEVER be Ruth’s story , I would never call the police on my daughter and I would never let my husband abuse her . I would never purposely make her fail school to become a statistic. Because I love her . 

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Truth is while reading this one simple line I understood Nehemiah’s father … I didn’t have opportunities… I didn’t have chances my life was hard . While people enjoyed Highschool I had to work at jobs to get out of the house as soon as I turned 18 . But that will never be my daughter’s story . Nehemiah father probably didn’t have the same chance as his son , but it’s the fact that his suffering provided a way for his son to honor him and carry on his legacy . 

I get tired of hearing the same story of “well the only reason she did that is because that happened to her” that’s a bunch of crap . I didn’t abuse my daughter and I never had the desire to do it . Just because you were abused doesn’t give you the right to abuse someone else . Love your child and break the curse ! 

Isaiah 54:17

King James Version

17 No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord.

What was difficult is that even though people knew I was raped , abused , molested somehow some way it was always my fault . In the church they said I was raped or harassed because I had a spirit in me . Now you could imagine my journey to Christ was not easy . I left the church because I didn’t want anything to do with Christian’s because of what I saw . But when I was in the wilderness , I was broken down so low that I had to call out to God . I had to find God for myself , I didn’t come to God at church or through prophecy , but through The Holy Bible . 

There are some days I struggle as a mother . My daughter is beautiful so she gets a lot of attention … smh we were actually in the store the other day and a 4-5 year old boy literally broke his neck staring at her I got angry but honestly … it scared me a little . It scared me because I know what I have been through .. and that’s a whole other battle . Sometimes it does scare me when I see the attention she gets … people always tell me that they are obsessed with my daughter … but daily I trust him (God) for help in raising a beautiful daughter … because I just don’t want her to experience the pain I went through because of beauty . 

If I didn’t do anything else on this earth , I want my legacy to be remembered as a woman who taught mother’s to love God and not abuse their children . Especially, for multi-cultural women (Titus). We have to break that curse of hating our daughters and children , we have to break that ! Multi-cultural women we have to do better and love our daughters and sons.. even if no one loved you . 

Love Sandre’a , 

You Never Know When You’ll Need Your Friend So Be Kind To Them

Be Kind To Your Friends Because You Don’t Know When You’re Going To Need Them

Not so fun fact about me , I was in the Marines . Truth be told I never told people what really happened to me while I was in the Marines I just let people assume and moved on. But lately God has been really dealing with me about telling my story and what I endured while in the Marines and the racism that I suffered through . 

  1. There was a time that I worked as a recruiters assistant and I went through something very serious , one day I was in the back of the office and a Master Sergeant cornered me into a corner to press upon me and he began to ask me some very inappropriate questions … and afterwards he asked me “do I scare you ? Do I intimidate you ?” You already know  I said no … you already know what it is … but that would be the beginning of the many woes I endured with things in secret in the Marines . 
  2. When I was in the school house at Camp Johnson I had a instructor who was married … but he said he was like my father (take this as a warning to young ladies who have daddy issues ) and I really believed that he was like a father to me … he even helped put me in the fiscal department at Camp Lejeune (that was big stuff back in the day ) … but one day .. he wanted more than a father daughter relationship.. I rejected the offer . I was actually kind of hurt because he made it seem as though I was his daughter . Very interesting enough when I rejected his offer for sexual entanglement all of a sudden I wasn’t wanted into the fiscal office anymore at the disbursing office … all of a sudden all of these rumors spread about me in the Marines about who people claimed I was and what they thought I did . I told other Marines who were higher up’s but you know how the Marines do .. of course they cover up and of course no one could find any wrong doing . Like always 🤔 but the harassment had gotten so bad that I had to leave the base and get a change of duty station . 
  3. So , while serving I had gotten injured and had to get surgery (but honestly I think God was chastening me because during this time I had totally left church and would have nothing to do with it … so I truly believe God let this happen because he had to get my attention ) but crazy enough , I had some NCO’s who passed the word around to watch me at the barracks because they wanted to NJP me without cause lol stupid witch , anyways I had to get surgery and I was within weight regulations after I had surgery a NCO for headquarters company waited four days until I couldn’t move and could barely move to weigh me it was so bad I had to have other people, help me I couldn’t walk and I was FIVE pounds over from water weight after surgery and they put me on weight management 🙃 but no weapon formed baby shall prosper , not only that right after my surgery I was in anesthesia (I guess this military officer knew her) I had a Marine Corps officer call me & cuss me out and say that he didn’t care that I was on anesthesia and he didn’t care that I had just gotten out of surgery that I should have answered his call while in surgery (lol I been thinking a lot about him lately and I want to fight because I’m out now baby and keep that same energy 😂)
  4. When I was stationed at Camp Pendleton I was working and I had a NCO who would LITERALLY call me racial slurs allllllllllllll day , I remember when I turned my head for a second and he took my CAC card so I would get NJP’d right before chow , so he took it and I remember I prayed and asked God to help me and God said “go to the gym “ well lo and behold the gym attendant told me that that NCO came and dropped my CAC Card off at the gym and just left it there (he didn’t know that he they saw it happen AND I HAD THE HOLY GHOST !! .. God told me where it was at !!! Loser . 
  5. You couldn’t imagine how many NCO’s lied on me and how many women said I was trouble because of my body 😂😂 bunch of opp’s or how the doctor tried to give me a order to get my chest totally removed (flat like a man) and said that that was the only way I would become a corporal … so they secretly presented me a option to get my breast totally removed in surgery to stay in and when I didn’t they tried to give me a administrative separation but God stepped in and I received honorable . 

But what God reminded is in the midst of this not all people are bad and God was with me … I remember I had a friend … I’ll call him Myles… I don’t want you to know Myles first name or look him up because Myles H. needs Jesus 🙄 but I remember when I was outside and one of those very racist NCO’s was about to blast me for no reason .. and in that moment I felt like God used Myles to stop a attack against me that wasn’t warranted . Because when they saw him they ran away . The last time Myles and I talked was last year but lately I have been thinking a lot about him and I know that God does put people in your life for a reason . Myles and I have both moved on , we both have children … crazy now he’s divorced and now I am married we met when were 19 years old and now we’ll be 30 in a few years .. time really does fly . We both have seen some trouble in these past few years . But I say this because so many people told me Myles wasn’t anything , that he would never be successful, and they said alot but God USED him that day to protect me . A milli later for Jesus , I thank God for that friendship because that was probably the day that Satan wanted to NJP me . I don’t even know why Myles was there that day because he was stationed in Yuma 🤷‍♀️ . I’m not complaining though . I’m not playing the victim … I listed those examples to remind you that you  just don’t know when you’re going to need a friend . I’ll always have love for Myles as a true friend . Love your friends and be kind to them . Amen ? Because you don’t know when you’re going to need them. 
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Sandre’a 💕🌸❤️💓🌸💕

Can You Nooootttt Do That While She’s Pregnant ?

Can You Be Faithful While She’s Pregnant ? 

Proverbs 31:30-31

New International Version

30 

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

31 

Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise(A) at the city gate.

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Truth be told there is a lot of pictures from a lot of different women on Instagram & social media . It seems like almost every woman knows how to thirst trap today . Honestly , you can’t go on Instagram without some woman posting something nasty & naked online causing & leading a man to stray . But there is one issue that has been really vexing my spirit and it’s the pain that a woman goes through while she’s pregnant . 

Genesis 3:16 – To the woman he said, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

I don’t think men really understand how painful

pregnancy is … 

  1. Most times you feel fat & ugly because you don’t have the body you used to have that would cause your man to be attracted to you 
  2. Stretch marks are the devil 🙄 and they come at the most random of times 
  3. Our backs hurt , our hips hurt , and our hands are swollen it would be nice if you didn’t look at her unswollen body while she’s carrying your baby … thanks 😐
  4. Can you not try to hit her while she’s pregnant… that would be nice you jerk . 
  5. Yeah … staring at a naked woman on Instagram while she’s pregnant does hurt her feelings a lot … 
  6. Can you nooooottttt try to meet up with a woman you met online while she’s pregnant ? Thanks … insensitive bald headed crack head . 
  7. She only wants your money can you not give it to her while she’s pregnant ? Thanks … not really but thanks 🤨 
  8. Can you not have other women in your phone ? Can you not overly complement another pregnant woman while she’s pregnant? Can you not be inappropriate with another woman while she’s pregnant ?
  9. Can you not flirt with another woman while she’s pregnant … infront of her ? 
  10. Finally can you not let other women and men disrespect her while she’s pregnant ? 

Moral Of The Story …. 

Ain’t nobody gunna keep putting up with it … and she’s going to leave and that very woman you used to hurt her will backfire on you . Love is loving her beyond her body but even while she’s pregnant … be faithful . 

Love , 

Sandre’a 💕