Tag: The Son

Island Isolation 

Island Isolation 

I Would Rather Be Somewhere Else 

So as you all know I hate being in ministry and I am more than okay with saying that. But lately, I have been thinking about where I want to be. Truth be told, I want to be by myself. Alone, with no one around me. I do not like people and I do not want to live with anyone. I want to be alone, no one there, and me just by myself. I realized that when I am alone, I can’t hurt myself and I do not have to deal with the drama and stupidity of other people.. 

So in my mind I imagine myself on an island, walking on the beach with sand and living there by myself. I am not going to lie, this will probably be my reality 20 years from now probably. I do not want to get involved with ministry groups and all that stuff, I want to be by myself.

I realize that because I am not getting what I want from God I am very unhappy with everyday life. Some days I don’t want to be married, I don’t want to minister, I don’t want to pray for people, I want to be alone. There are some days I ask God why he made it that a woman had to have a husband to be financially stable. Why can’t I pick up and go to an island and live by myself and never speak to anyone again?  

Why do I have to have a husband ? Why can’t I just be by myself and never date a man and be alone? Those are questions I guess I ask to the air. I sometimes feel like I am very misunderstood. Most women dream of a wedding and a husband… I dream of isolation. I dream of being alone. I never wanted God to give me ministry. I wanted isolation. 

I think honestly that that is my new goal. Isolation. Being away from everything and being away from everyone. Or what about the fact that I do not desire affection and I want to be alone? These are just questions that run through my mind every day. Nothing more and nothing less. 

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When Everyday Feels Like A Living Nightmare 

When Everyday Feels Like A Living Nightmare 

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33 

Truth Be Told 

Lately, I have been doing alot of thinking and I have been wondering why people are jealous of me. I have been wondering because for some reason I encounter this spirit of jealous but especially from women. I get the stares at my body, I get the eye rolls, and I get the questions that they ask. Yet, in my mind I have my own opinion and I think what they do is silly. 

I never really wanted to be in ministry and to be honest I still don’t. I do not understand why God chose me and to be honest I do not want God to use me, but that does not stop God from trying to use me. So I am in this constant battle of God making me do what he wants me to and the consequences that happen when I don’t. But God already told me I will never do what he told me to and trust me I am okay with that. 

I Did Not Get The Life I Wanted 

I never really wanted to be where I am now. I had other plans and to be honest I still want those plans. It’s hard because I could make the decision to go back to those plans any time that I want but there is a reason I don’t. I’m getting older and I am embracing that one day I will be 30 and I am not happy about that. I am not happy with where I am and I am not looking forward to 30 and I did not think I would be 30 in ministry. But I realize that I am not the only one that thinks like how I do. So I write to the people that really are not feeling the church thing and that are really tired of dealing with spiritual warfare. I write to the people that watch everyone else drink liquor and party and secretly wish that was you but you know God is watching. I am writing to the people that would really rather be out clubbing and partying, than engaging in spiritual warfare…. Trust me I get it. 

There are a whole lot of things I would rather be doing than praying. I would rather go out, I would rather club, I would rather party, and I would rather be wild like how I used to… but I know that God would probably punish me later. Moral of the story, what you want to do in sin is not worth the punishment and consequence so just don’t do it. I

know you don’t understand why everyone enjoys this christian walk and you don’t but just don’t engage in sin.. It’s not worth it and one day it will all make sense. 

Diamond 

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My Testimony To Help Other Young Women: The Truth About Abortion Grief

The Truth About Abortion Grief

Revelation 21:4

English Standard Version

4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

A Few Years Ago.. 

A few years ago, I wrote a book of Poems dedicated to my angel baby. I was grieving so badly and battling depression, because I just had another baby but I began to wonder what it would feel like having him. I reached out to his father, which was a bad decision I might add… because I was grieving and it did not end well like it always does not end well. So I made the decision that I would never reach out again , but I also realized that God had entrusted me to help other young women who were grieving from having a abortion and suffering the rejection from the father. 

The Story Behind Your Decision Is Probably Really Painful 

One thing I am not going to do is , point a condemning finger at you because God did not point a condemning finger at me when I had a abortion. Yes, I felt like God was disappointed in me but at that time I did not know the Lord. I grew up in church but I saw so much craziness that I became an atheist, it was after that abortion and the pain and tears from it that I became a Christian. 

The circumstances surrounding my decision were extremely hurtful and painful, and it is something that even now God has to heal me from because I regret aborting that child because I know the child would have been beautiful and intelligent and that God had a plan for the baby, I made a mistake. But one thought that was eating away at me is that even if he did not love me (the father) and he did not want me, it’s the fact that God knew how much he did not want me and blessed me with a baby that did love me and I had a abortion… That’s the painful side of my decision. 

To this day, he still is the same and I don’t really care (the father). That’s how he is. But I realized that my constant reaching out to him is because I was so depressed by what I had done that I wanted some connection to the baby (I learned this in psychology). So I did not miss him, I missed the baby and the baby came from him. That was a very tough and hard realization that I had to come to and it came by praying and talking to God about my mistake. 

I recommend you to pray and ask God for forgiveness and repent, especially if you did not know the Lord. The truth about abortion’s is that it is extremely painful to deal with. Sad to say commercial’s lie and make it seem like taking the pill is a easy fixer for an abortion, but they are not telling you about the suicide attempts, depression, and self-harm that comes after having a abortion. 

Don’t Cover For Him 

I had to accept that he will never care about me (the father of the baby). I had to accept that he does not care about the abortion and he never will. I am the mom, and I battle all of the grief by myself. I am sorry if you are faced with that same truth. If he does not care about you and he does not care about the abortion, I want you to know that God cares a whole lot about you. I had to accept my truth and give it God. I do not want you to commit suicide . I remember when I wanted to die because I wanted to be in heaven with my baby because it’s really mentally tormenting and  traumatizing. I thought I would be happier in heaven with my baby. I do not want you to commit suicide. God told me I had to live on. You have to live on and you have to trust God , that he will bless you with another opportunity to have a baby. My opportunity was with Ruth and she has brought a lot of healing from the pain of not having my other baby. 

The hardest part is that before I ever admitted what happened prophet’s would come up ; to me and say , “God said forgive yourself it is not your fault”. Collapsing in the spirit, everytime I would scream and cry because it was so painful. Then I had a dream about him, that he was in heaven running and playing hide and go seek with Jesus. He was so beautiful he had my skin complexion, his father’s eyes, but they were dark blue, and dark beautiful curly black hair. He was gorgeous. God said in the dream, “Name him Nehemiah because I sent him to comfort you because you were not loved”. 

I went through alot, but now despite issues I accept what God has to offer me. My current husband said he wanted us to have another baby, and I know that God is going to bless me with another boy one day to comfort me from all of the painful things that occurred in that situation. 

The Conclusion Is Forgive Yourself 

God wants you to forgive yourself, turn from your sin, repent , and never do it again. God wants to heal you from the pain of the rejection that led to that abortion. God does not want you to commit suicide because the father did not love you , which led to you aborting that child. Sadly, men do not feel the grief that a woman feels after having a abortion. I am the mother so while he parties, I cry because I had the duty to carry that child and I failed in that. Even if you failed, I want you to know that God is giving you grace to start over and have another family. Take my advice, and do not ever reach out to him again. Do not ever check on him and see how he is doing again. Do not ever care about his well being again. I am sorry, but he doesn’t love you and you have to accept it and move on. I had to accept that he never wanted me and never cared about me, and it was painful but I accepted it and I moved on. Move on beautiful, it is going to be okay. 

Love Mixed With Faith, 

Apostle Diamond S. Chessier 

Isaiah 40:31

King James Version

31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Copyright Precious-Diamond Sandre’a Chessier

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