A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed.
A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed.
The Cost Of Love
And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? – Mark 8:36
How Many Times Did You Say?
Eight. I said Eight. Eight times marriage has been brought up to me by eight different men. If you count my soon to be ex-husband it is nine. When I was in the world I had a lot of commitment issues. I had a very dark family secret that I was hiding and I was too afraid to be vulnerable and really tell people what happened and what was going on with me. So I got into relationships that didn’t work. I blocked them and moved on. Then started getting in trouble with God. Because I was so wild. Partying and drinking and then God told me to change or I would miss his return. Hungover I went to church… but I wasn’t feeling it. I had been abused by people in the church so I was not feeling church. So God had to deal with me 1 on 1 in order for me to change. I lost everything . God took everything. God let everyone betray me until one day I surrendered and said God I will do it please just help me. – Jeremiah 29:11
No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. – Romans 8:37
So I started dating and because I took bad advice, I dated men who I had more than. More money, more success, more drive, and that did not go well. See I was listening to the wrong people give me advice about love and marriage. I don’t want who they think I want; I want who God thinks is best. There was one… I still love him and I hate that I love him. Because I think it’s guilt that has made me still love him. He is a very beautiful man to be honest. But what angers me now about that situation is that people who knew my family from my childhood told me not to marry him and that is why I am kind of angry about it now as I am older… How could I listen to church people who listened to someone from my family after they have abused me ?
I did something kind of messed up on him. I was not truthful to him about what I was doing and in turn he moved on and married someone else. For years I was angry at him for that but then God had to make me see that the only reason that transpired is because of what I did to him. I remember when I checked his Instagram and he had all of these pictures posted of his ex-wife. I remember how old fake associates smiled in my face when they told me about his baby. I was really shattered. I was very heartbroken. But I moved on . For years I blamed him for everything and told everyone he got someone pregnant behind my back and lied and didn’t tell the truth. But God had to really talk to me… He reminded me of what transpired before he did all of those things. He reminded me of how he felt when he saw me with someone else. I should not have done that. This failed marriage has really changed my viewpoint on a lot of things. Especially because my husband does terrible things and then acts like he does not know why I don’t want him in any shape , form , or fashion….
I guess this marriage made me revisit myself . It made me think about 19 year old me.. It made me think about all of the bad advice I took.. It made me really come face to face with myself. If you love someone even as a friend … don’t have them in the car with another man. I made a mistake and I apologize for that. I should have never done that.
A terrible marriage really opens your eyes to alot. It is so funny and yet ironic I spoke to him last year (before Instagram took my account stupid jerks)… and he said that if he knew what he knows now things would have been alot different. I didn’t understand what he was saying.. But baby now I do. I don’t know the full details of his divorce but if it is anything close to what I am dealing with I can’t imagine. If I knew what I know now I would have made a lot of different choices.
Looking back on it … why did I think it was ok to pick him up in the car with another man? I really wish I could take that back. Like I said.. My failed marriage made me think about this. But God said because someone did that to you. That is true. That was a whole other revelation. I am not the same anymore. I’m not writing because I’m desperate for him or anything. Lately I have been dealing with so much I just need to write. It is therapeutic. Just write out my pain and frustration.
The hard part about being international is that you don’t know who’s real anymore.. And that’s on God. I swear people are so fake. I remember when God asked me if I could handle my next level. I thought when I crossed over to a million everything would be perfect. God was perfect. But God was reconstructing me.
And now there remain: faith [abiding trust in God and His promises], hope [confident expectation of eternal salvation], love [unselfish love for others growing out of God’s love for me], these three [the choicest graces]; but the greatest of these is love. – 1 Corinthians 13:13
I swear now that people know me, people are so fake. God has to help me alot. They do anything for views. Anything to be seen. I can’t even date because I don’t know who’s real anymore. I do want those romantic vibes and someone just to chill and watch movies with.. Right now I’m not looking for nothing serious just someone to spend time with .. someone who just isn’t fake. Someone that’s not with me to be seen or add me because they see I have 10,000 followers here, or 1 Million there, or 35,000 followers here. I have excellent discernment so nobody can just seep into my life. That is why me and my soon to be ex-husband aren’t working out. Because God tells me everything he does, he lies to my face, and then causes more chaos when God proves me to be right the entire time.
I think this next time around I’m not dating a super spiritual man. Seriously, the men I have dated in the church were DISGUSTING! That is crazy to me. I thought when I became a Christian that my dream man would be in the church. Heck no. These fools are disgusting. Had the find out the hard way one was gay.. That wasn’t fun. One was openly gay and still tried to talk to me while leading praise and worship wearing lipstick and dresses and got mad when I said no. One was attracted to dogs and was traveling and preaching as a prophet. One beat women. One has a pornography addiction. Yet, they are all in the church…. One is a lazy bum almost 40 and still naming himself a rapper on Facebook. One won’t work. One worked at McDonald’s… I’m sick of it.
At this point if you skateboard and at least willing to TRY to read the Bible I can deal with it because this is ridiculous. I cannot believe the men in church are this nasty and disgusting. So here I am like God what do I do? Because I honestly cannot find any man that I want in the church. That is the hard part because the one I did wrong was fine… I’m not lying.. I think that’s why I feel some type of way. I like tall men. So he is 6 ‘2 with curly hair and fine… I feel some type of way just thinking about it.. But what makes me feel even some more type of way.. Is that he wasn’t weird? Lord, I just want a man that is not weird! I don’t know why men in the church are so weird. They all gay wearing nail polish like girls I can’t deal like what I am supposed to do? Lol like they’re soft and weird. I like a very masculine man. These weirdos in the church wearing pink crocs and painting their nails doing photo shoots with their feet out sitting cross legged! I can’t deal with this! Bruh and why are women ok with this ??!! bruh don’t you want your man to box or fight or be wild?! Why do y’all like soft gay men?! Bruh I’m tired of this. I think that’s why I miss my baby daddy. What am I supposed to do? At Least I didn’t have to worry about him wearing blue nail polish . I can’t . My ex-husband let his mom pick his clothes out… I’m done. I want a divorce .I can’t deal with this. I’m living a nightmare. Please God help me escape. I’m tiyurd. At Least my baby daddy didn’t let his mom pick his clothes out . I need God to move in my life right now. I can’t deal.
God Come Rapture Me I’m Tiyurd ,
Sis… DO NOT marry a pastor from a pastor’s wife…
The Voice5 Whether this nation of rebels listens or refuses to listen to My message, at least they will know a prophet has visited them. 6 Do not fear them or their words, son of man. Though you will dwell among the thistles and briars of their hostility, though their reactions will make you think you’re sitting on scorpions, do not be afraid. Pay no attention to their threats, and don’t let their glaring faces intimidate you. They are a rebellious lot. 7 It is vital you feed them My words, whether they choose to digest them or not, for they are a rebellious people.
God Told Me Not To Marry Him
When we first met, he was not who he is now. But now I realize that people pretend and you don’t know who someone is until you marry them. When we met he was taking me shopping, buying purses, giving me money, roses, and anything I wanted. I felt like I was being romanced and treated like a Queen. That’s what he would call me … Queen. He moved me into his house after I felt like God said to get my own home. He tells me that that is not what God wanted me to do. After I had a terrible dream that moving into the home with him and his family would be a nightmare it came to pass. I warned him in secret that I did not want to live with him because of his family and he told me that something was playing with my mind. But now I can honestly say I hate him and his family.
One, I met his mother first and she is an alleged false pastor and apostle. She is always homeless and yet playing the victim. She began to teach that Christian’s belonged in concentration camps and I was not in agreement. When she said she was constantly kicked out of churches and asked to leave, I thought she was persecuted. No… she is really crazy like straight jacket crazy. She lied on me every day. Took my flowers and pretended for them to be hers on Facebook. Everyday something was wrong. So many times, she told him things would be better if I left and that I ruined his previous marriage. If that wasn’t enough his brother liked me and became angry because I did not like him and later jumped me and I had to fight him because I was not attracted to him. I really do hate my soon to be ex-husband. In that home I lost over $5,000 because he wouldn’t pay me when I helped him. It started with me helping him with his work. That is $5,000 that I worked myself off! for! I discovered he was still sending his ex-wife money after he gave her $20,000 and saved for three kids and two don’t even belong to him $15,000 for school. But this is what is crazy about that. He told me she had a drug problem. I’m thinking of weed… Nah. This idiot is a coke head and heroin head. She is on hard core drugs. Why does he financially support a druggie?? I have no idea.
So, his ex-wife is a crack head getting passed around in Baltimore at a crack house for drugs. He’s paying for her bills and won’t help me financially. That is only the beginning. I found out that I was pregnant he says his first thought was abortion. Then tells me he doesn’t know how he is going to explain this to his other daughter (as if she is so special but she’s not). So, I give birth prematurely and my baby is born sick. He did NOT help prepare for her but he drove over 3 hours to drop off a bag of $15 hair for his other daughter to get her hair braided but didn’t help me ONE time prepare for my daughter. He leaves me in the hospital after I give birth (after I found tons of pornography in his phone) the day I give birth. When my baby is sick and I have to rush her to the emergency room, he tells me he has to stop and get dog food for his daughter’s dog (that’s why it’s dead now). So I had to rush my baby in a lyft to the ER. He wouldn’t move me after the house was inhabitable and he almost got us evicted because he tried to take the landlord to escrow and wouldn’t pay him rent after I TOLD HIM to pay rent.
Now God told me to leave him when I was pregnant but I was afraid because I was pregnant and didn’t know what to do. Yes, he took me on trips. Yes, he took me on vacations but IT WAS NOT WORTH IT! Many days I wished he wasn’t my daughter’s father. So, I had to work overnight shifts, two weeks after giving birth to take care of my daughter because HE WOULD NOT HELP! Because he was purposely trying to keep me from leaving him so he did not want me to have any money coming in at all.
He was a youth pastor at a mega-church in Baltimore. He was about to become associate pastor. But I told him that God said that that was not a good position for him and I was right. Because it quickly blew up in his face. If that wasn’t enough, he had a business and when I was pregnant, I literally listened to him outside the door (he didn’t know I was there) flirt with one of his customers. This is crazy because when I was pregnant, I had SO MANY MEN staring and trying to talk to me. Like one just randomly came and asked to rub my stomach in the store I dealt with a lot but because I was pregnant, I didn’t cheat.
So after he begs and cries for me to give him another chance. I tell him I want a divorce and there is nothing to talk about . He does not pay rent on time , he never repaid the $5,000 I lost, but he gave his ex-wife $20,000. If that wasn’t enough I found out his car actually has his ex-wife name on it. See that is news to me because I was under the impression that he bought both cars himself …. NOPE ! But what can you expect from a liar? IF that wasn’t enough his mother and his ex-wife worked together to ruin my birthday when I was pregnant and he finds a way to make my birthday all about him and how he doesn’t like that I feel some type of way on my birthday. Now I have constantly told this fool to get out of my house and give me my house key. But NOPE ! He just won’t do it. So here I am stuck because I fought his brother and I caused a lot of damage when the police were about to arrest me and his mother almost pressed charges on me because of it. So if I fight he can call the police and I could lose my baby. Sis is stuck. But if that wasn’t enough, on my baby birthday I caught his daughter teasing and taunting my baby and I wanted to punch her head through the wall but I kicked her out. Because again I already got one case and I can’t lose my baby if I go to jail. So his daughter is not allowed in my house. I have told him over and over again to go live somewhere else now all of sudden I pretended to love him, it’s so easy to leave and then he wants to bring up someone I spoke to last year. But my thing is how do you have the audacity to be mad that I was messaging and reconnecting with someone else when you have done all of this? One, my baby daddy asked me for another chance last year, I should have said yes instead of dealing with his crazy behind. And now this fool mad because I want to leave? Sis I refuse to be a dummy. After praying God told me that a lot of women are idiots. They stay in toxic relationships like this ALL THE TIME in ministry and in church. But baby Diamond won’t. I have too much going for myself. I will not.
I do not agree with how he is raising his other daughter. She uploaded a really disgusting and nasty video for a little girl onto YouTube. See Ruth would never try me like that because I will really beat her butt. My daughter is spoiled but what I am not going to do is let her be nasty for YouTube at an early age. That is not going to happen. Now, his ex-wife take’s all the child support money and uses it for crack-cocaine and has the nerve to sue both of her children’s fathers for more money (child support) to support her cocaine problem. I’m done with it. Because when she runs out of money for a cocaine problem, she calls the police and I’m not dealing with it because the police can keep trying me but I will fight them especially over my daughter. It takes a lot to make me angry but I’m not scared of anybody. But what is crazy is that his ex-wife serves in ministry at Greater Grace World Outreach in Baltimore. They have her doing pictures and programs and she is a whole cocaine addict and meth head. Again… GOD TOLD ME NOT TO MARRY HIM!!!! I Should have listened!!!
But if that was not enough. His mother is sleeping with her spiritual daughter (whom I had to fight). How nasty is that ? You literally are in a relationship with another woman and telling people that she is your spiritual daughter ?!!!! She is going to hell. His mother stole his identity and opened a loan in his name. GOD TOLD ME NOT TO MARRY HIM !!!!!
Honestly, Ra’keem is the biggest mistake of my life. I should have never married him. Me and my baby would have been fine without him. What bothers is me is that religion, said Ra’keem. Religious people said Ra’keem because he was a pastor. I should have married someone that I loved and let God do the work. I would have rather been happy than been with Ra’keem. It bothers me because Ra’keem is upset because I miss my ex? Fool do you know what you have done? If that was not enough now we have to go to court for custody. All of a sudden, he want’s joint custody??? This fool wanted me to abort her but now he sees that because I have over 1 million views on YouTube he want’s joint custody… Is he crazy??? This fool is NOT about to have my baby with a cocaine head child and her meth head problems. The devil is a lie. The opportunity presented itself. I should have taken it. Because he NEVER did this to me. It is crazy because the person who asked me for another chance is not a pastor but I swear I truly believe he would not have done this. I should have let God do work for that other person. Moral of the story. Do not marry a pastor. I have heard so many horror stories of first ladies and what they secretly go through. But as a first lady I promise you I am going to sprint to my divorce. I heard many women say do not pursue a pastor because it is not what you think. I would do anything to get another chance with God and rewind time. I had to make this statement because God has revealed what is to come. One, I am a prophetess and I will not let Ra’keem and his family ruin my honorable reputation of being a prophetess. I am very aware of what they are going to do but I boldly say and declare that has nothing to do with me. When Ra’keem and I divorce he is responsible for his own decisions and I cannot be accountable for his choices and actions. His daughter is no longer my step-daughter, I am not responsible for her. I want nothing to do with raising her. Never again! Again…. DO NOT MARRY A PASTOR!
A Future Ex-Wife To A Pastor
October 4, 2022
We Need God To Survive
then the LORD God formed [that is, created the body of] man from the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and the man became a living being [an individual complete in body and spirit]. – Genesis 2:7
As I was looking at Hurricane Ian and the damage it has done to Florida and South Carolina I was very terrified at God of what I saw. There were many video’s of people claiming that the ocean was in the street’s of South Carolina and it was indeed. The barrier was gone from the Ocean.
Have you no respect for me? Why don’t you tremble in my presence? I, the LORD, define the ocean’s sandy shoreline as an everlasting boundary that the waters cannot cross. The waves may toss and roar, but they can never pass the boundaries I set. – Jeremiah 5:22
It is evident that boundaries were gone in that circumstance. Honestly, that was just a preview of what is to come. People may continue in their sin but God will always continue unleashing his judgment just as he did sodom and gomorrah.
Then the LORD rained down fire and burned sulfur from the sky on Sodom and Gomorrah.- Genesis 19:24
I Didn’t Get To Heal
When I found I was pregnant I was very very shocked … because I was in a bad place . I didn’t expect to get pregnant because I never wanted to be married so , you know in Christian culture you have to be a wife and have kids and whatever … but I never wanted that . So when I found I was pregnant I was happy … but I really realized how totally broken I was.
It was hard watching everyone have a baby shower and be happy … I didn’t have any friends so I didn’t get that . I didn’t have family that loved me so I didn’t get to have a registry . I didn’t get to call and have someone check on me or really care about how I was doing . I celebrated her 1 month by myself with a ballon and a cake singing happy birthday to her . But tonight … I realized that maybe my ministry is for the woman who didn’t get to heal. Maybe my ministry is for the woman whose husband beat her after having the baby and is broken . Maybe my ministry is for the mother who had to work right after having a baby (like me ) because she had responsibilities and didn’t get to rest . Maybe my ministry is for the woman who was beaten 3 months after having a baby and felt empty and foolish . Maybe that’s who God has called me to . I was going through my phone and found this picture of me and my daughter . My eyeliner is gone on one eye because I was tired after working a night shift . She looks so much like me . As I watch her sleep I honestly beg God that she doesn’t have my story . That’s the hard part of being a mother . We clean houses , sweep floors , endure domestic violence while secretly wiping tears from our faces . We smile at church when our husband just hit us in the car . We suffer and give birth when men leave us at the hospital by ourselves . And yet … when our baby says “mommy I love you “ all that pain goes away because our children don’t know what we just went through to pay our bills .
I’ve accepted I’m not called to the pinky promise clan , that eat vegan and never have to worry about anything because there husbands just love them so much … nope … I’m called to that woman who was been beaten and choked while pregnant , I’m called to that woman who hated herself and cried herself to sleep every night while pregnant because her husband keeps staring at other women in public … I’m called to that woman who didn’t get a chance to heal after she had a baby because she had to pay bills … I pray for you because I pray for myself. God will provide and take care of you .
Can You Be Faithful While She’s Pregnant ?
New International Version
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise(A) at the city gate.
Truth be told there is a lot of pictures from a lot of different women on Instagram & social media . It seems like almost every woman knows how to thirst trap today . Honestly , you can’t go on Instagram without some woman posting something nasty & naked online causing & leading a man to stray . But there is one issue that has been really vexing my spirit and it’s the pain that a woman goes through while she’s pregnant .
Genesis 3:16 – To the woman he said, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
I don’t think men really understand how painful
pregnancy is …
Moral Of The Story ….
Ain’t nobody gunna keep putting up with it … and she’s going to leave and that very woman you used to hurt her will backfire on you . Love is loving her beyond her body but even while she’s pregnant … be faithful .