I’m Tiyurd Of This…

The Cost Of Love  

And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? – Mark 8:36 

How Many Times Did You Say?  

Eight. I said Eight. Eight times marriage has been brought up to me by eight different men. If you count my soon to be ex-husband it is nine. When I was in the world I had a lot of commitment issues. I had a very dark family secret that I was hiding and I was too afraid to be vulnerable and really tell people what happened and what was going on with me. So I got into relationships that didn’t work. I blocked them and moved on. Then  started getting in trouble with God. Because I was so wild. Partying and drinking and then God told me to change or I would miss his return. Hungover I went to church… but I wasn’t feeling it. I had been abused by people in the church so I was not feeling church. So God had to deal with me 1 on 1 in order for me to change. I lost everything . God took everything. God let everyone betray me until one day I surrendered and said God I will do it please just help me. – Jeremiah 29:11 

Overcoming Bums 

No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. – Romans 8:37 

So I started dating and because I took bad advice, I dated men who I had more than. More money, more success, more drive, and that did not go well. See I was listening to the wrong people give me advice about love and marriage. I don’t want who they think I want; I want who God thinks is best. There was one… I still love him and I hate that I love him. Because I think it’s guilt that has made me still love him. He is a very beautiful man to be honest. But what angers me now about that situation is that people who knew my family from my childhood told me not to marry him and that is why I am kind of angry about it now as I am older… How could I listen to church people who listened to someone from my family after they have abused me ?  

I did something kind of messed up on him. I was  not truthful to him about what I was doing and in turn he moved on and married someone else. For years I was angry at him for that but then God had to make me see that the only reason that transpired is because of what I did to him. I remember when I checked his Instagram and he had all of these pictures posted of his ex-wife. I remember how old fake associates smiled in my face when they told me about his baby. I was really shattered. I was very heartbroken. But I moved on . For years I blamed him for everything and told everyone he got someone pregnant behind my back and lied and didn’t tell the truth. But God had to really talk to me… He reminded me of what transpired before he did all of those things. He reminded me of how he felt when he saw me with someone else. I should not have done that. This failed marriage has really changed my viewpoint on a lot of things. Especially because my husband does terrible things and then acts like he does not know why I don’t want him in any shape , form , or fashion….  

I guess this marriage made me revisit myself . It made me think about 19 year old me.. It made me think about all of the bad advice I took.. It made me really come face to face with myself. If you love someone even as a friend … don’t have them in the car with another man. I made a mistake and I apologize for that. I should have  never done that.  

A terrible marriage really opens your eyes to alot. It is so funny and yet ironic I spoke to him last year (before  Instagram took my account stupid jerks)… and he said that if he knew what he knows now things would have been alot different. I didn’t understand what he was saying.. But baby now I do. I don’t know the full details of his divorce but if it is anything close to what I am dealing with I can’t imagine. If I knew what I know now I would have made a lot of different choices.  

Looking back on it … why did I think it was ok to pick him up in the car with another man? I really wish I could take that back. Like I said.. My failed marriage made me think about this. But God said because someone did that to you. That is true. That was a whole other revelation. I am not the same anymore. I’m not writing because I’m desperate for him or anything. Lately I have been dealing with so much I just need to write. It is therapeutic. Just write out my pain and frustration.  

The hard part about being international is that you don’t know who’s real anymore.. And that’s on God. I swear people are so fake. I remember when God asked me if I could handle my next level. I thought when I crossed over to a million everything would be perfect. God was perfect. But God was reconstructing me.  

Love 

And now there remain: faith [abiding trust in God and His promises], hope [confident expectation of eternal salvation], love [unselfish love for others growing out of God’s love for me], these three [the choicest graces]; but the greatest of these is love. – 1 Corinthians 13:13 

 I swear now that people know me, people are so fake. God has to help me alot. They do anything for views. Anything to be seen. I can’t even date because I don’t know who’s real anymore. I do want those romantic vibes and someone just to chill and watch movies with.. Right now I’m not looking for nothing serious just someone to spend time with .. someone who just isn’t fake. Someone that’s not with me to be seen or add me because they see I have  10,000 followers here, or 1 Million there, or 35,000 followers here. I have excellent discernment so nobody can just seep into my life. That is why me and my soon to be ex-husband aren’t working out. Because God tells me everything he does, he lies to my face, and then causes more chaos when God proves me to be right the entire time.  

I think this next time around I’m not dating a super spiritual man. Seriously, the men I have dated in the church were DISGUSTING! That is crazy to me. I thought when I became a Christian that my dream man would be in the church. Heck no. These fools are disgusting. Had the find out the hard way one was gay.. That wasn’t fun. One was openly gay and still tried to talk to me while leading praise and worship wearing lipstick and dresses and got mad when I said no. One was attracted to dogs and was traveling and preaching as a prophet. One beat women. One has a pornography addiction. Yet, they are all in the church…. One is a lazy bum almost 40 and still naming himself a rapper on Facebook. One won’t work. One worked at McDonald’s… I’m sick of it.  

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At this point if you skateboard and at least willing to TRY to read the Bible I can deal with it because this is ridiculous. I cannot believe the men in church are this nasty and disgusting. So here I am like God what do I do? Because I honestly cannot find any man that I want in the church. That is the hard part because the one I did wrong was fine… I’m not lying.. I think that’s why I feel some type of way. I like tall men. So he is 6 ‘2 with curly hair and fine… I feel some type of way just thinking about it.. But what makes me feel even some more type of way.. Is that he wasn’t weird? Lord, I just want a man that is not weird! I don’t know why men in the church are so weird. They all gay wearing nail polish like girls I can’t deal like what I am supposed to do? Lol like they’re soft and weird. I like a very masculine man. These weirdos in the church wearing pink crocs and painting their nails doing photo shoots with their feet out sitting cross legged! I can’t deal with this! Bruh and why are women ok with this ??!! bruh don’t you want your man to box or fight or be wild?! Why do y’all like soft gay men?! Bruh I’m tired of this. I think that’s why I miss my baby daddy. What am I supposed to do? At Least I didn’t have to worry about him wearing blue nail polish . I can’t . My ex-husband let his mom pick his clothes out… I’m done. I want a divorce .I can’t deal with this. I’m living a nightmare. Please God help me escape. I’m tiyurd. At Least my baby daddy didn’t let his mom pick his clothes out . I need God to move in my life right now. I can’t deal.  

God Come Rapture Me I’m Tiyurd ,

I Didn’t Get To Heal

 I Didn’t Get To Heal 

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When I found I was pregnant I was very very shocked … because I was in a bad place . I didn’t expect to get pregnant because I never wanted to be married so , you know in Christian culture you have to be a wife and have kids and whatever … but I never wanted that . So when I found I was pregnant I was happy … but I really realized how totally broken I was. 

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It was hard watching everyone have a baby shower and be happy … I didn’t have any friends so I didn’t get that . I didn’t have family that loved me so I didn’t get to have a registry . I didn’t get to call and have someone check on me or really care about how I was doing . I celebrated her 1 month by myself with a ballon and a cake singing happy birthday to her . But tonight … I realized that maybe my ministry is for the woman who didn’t get to heal. Maybe my ministry is for the woman whose husband beat her after having the baby and is broken . Maybe my ministry is for the mother who had to work right after having a baby (like me ) because she had responsibilities and didn’t get to rest . Maybe my ministry is for the woman who was beaten 3 months after having a baby and felt empty and foolish . Maybe that’s who God has called me to . I was going through my phone and found this picture of me and my daughter . My eyeliner is gone on one eye because I was tired after working a night shift . She looks so much like me . As I watch her sleep I honestly beg God that she doesn’t have my story . That’s the hard part of being a mother . We clean houses , sweep floors , endure domestic violence while secretly wiping tears from our faces . We smile at church when our husband just hit us in the car . We suffer and give birth when men leave us at the hospital by ourselves . And yet … when our baby says “mommy I love you “ all that pain goes away because our children don’t know what we just went through to pay our bills . 

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I’ve accepted I’m not called to the pinky promise clan , that eat vegan and never have to worry about anything because there husbands just love them so much … nope … I’m called to that woman who was been beaten and choked while pregnant , I’m called to that woman who hated herself and cried herself to sleep every night while pregnant because her husband keeps staring at other women in public … I’m called to that woman who didn’t get a chance to heal after she had a baby because she had to pay bills … I pray for you because I pray for myself. God will provide and take care of you .

Sandre’a

You Never Know When You’ll Need Your Friend So Be Kind To Them

Be Kind To Your Friends Because You Don’t Know When You’re Going To Need Them

Not so fun fact about me , I was in the Marines . Truth be told I never told people what really happened to me while I was in the Marines I just let people assume and moved on. But lately God has been really dealing with me about telling my story and what I endured while in the Marines and the racism that I suffered through . 

  1. There was a time that I worked as a recruiters assistant and I went through something very serious , one day I was in the back of the office and a Master Sergeant cornered me into a corner to press upon me and he began to ask me some very inappropriate questions … and afterwards he asked me “do I scare you ? Do I intimidate you ?” You already know  I said no … you already know what it is … but that would be the beginning of the many woes I endured with things in secret in the Marines . 
  2. When I was in the school house at Camp Johnson I had a instructor who was married … but he said he was like my father (take this as a warning to young ladies who have daddy issues ) and I really believed that he was like a father to me … he even helped put me in the fiscal department at Camp Lejeune (that was big stuff back in the day ) … but one day .. he wanted more than a father daughter relationship.. I rejected the offer . I was actually kind of hurt because he made it seem as though I was his daughter . Very interesting enough when I rejected his offer for sexual entanglement all of a sudden I wasn’t wanted into the fiscal office anymore at the disbursing office … all of a sudden all of these rumors spread about me in the Marines about who people claimed I was and what they thought I did . I told other Marines who were higher up’s but you know how the Marines do .. of course they cover up and of course no one could find any wrong doing . Like always 🤔 but the harassment had gotten so bad that I had to leave the base and get a change of duty station . 
  3. So , while serving I had gotten injured and had to get surgery (but honestly I think God was chastening me because during this time I had totally left church and would have nothing to do with it … so I truly believe God let this happen because he had to get my attention ) but crazy enough , I had some NCO’s who passed the word around to watch me at the barracks because they wanted to NJP me without cause lol stupid witch , anyways I had to get surgery and I was within weight regulations after I had surgery a NCO for headquarters company waited four days until I couldn’t move and could barely move to weigh me it was so bad I had to have other people, help me I couldn’t walk and I was FIVE pounds over from water weight after surgery and they put me on weight management 🙃 but no weapon formed baby shall prosper , not only that right after my surgery I was in anesthesia (I guess this military officer knew her) I had a Marine Corps officer call me & cuss me out and say that he didn’t care that I was on anesthesia and he didn’t care that I had just gotten out of surgery that I should have answered his call while in surgery (lol I been thinking a lot about him lately and I want to fight because I’m out now baby and keep that same energy 😂)
  4. When I was stationed at Camp Pendleton I was working and I had a NCO who would LITERALLY call me racial slurs allllllllllllll day , I remember when I turned my head for a second and he took my CAC card so I would get NJP’d right before chow , so he took it and I remember I prayed and asked God to help me and God said “go to the gym “ well lo and behold the gym attendant told me that that NCO came and dropped my CAC Card off at the gym and just left it there (he didn’t know that he they saw it happen AND I HAD THE HOLY GHOST !! .. God told me where it was at !!! Loser . 
  5. You couldn’t imagine how many NCO’s lied on me and how many women said I was trouble because of my body 😂😂 bunch of opp’s or how the doctor tried to give me a order to get my chest totally removed (flat like a man) and said that that was the only way I would become a corporal … so they secretly presented me a option to get my breast totally removed in surgery to stay in and when I didn’t they tried to give me a administrative separation but God stepped in and I received honorable . 

But what God reminded is in the midst of this not all people are bad and God was with me … I remember I had a friend … I’ll call him Myles… I don’t want you to know Myles first name or look him up because Myles H. needs Jesus 🙄 but I remember when I was outside and one of those very racist NCO’s was about to blast me for no reason .. and in that moment I felt like God used Myles to stop a attack against me that wasn’t warranted . Because when they saw him they ran away . The last time Myles and I talked was last year but lately I have been thinking a lot about him and I know that God does put people in your life for a reason . Myles and I have both moved on , we both have children … crazy now he’s divorced and now I am married we met when were 19 years old and now we’ll be 30 in a few years .. time really does fly . We both have seen some trouble in these past few years . But I say this because so many people told me Myles wasn’t anything , that he would never be successful, and they said alot but God USED him that day to protect me . A milli later for Jesus , I thank God for that friendship because that was probably the day that Satan wanted to NJP me . I don’t even know why Myles was there that day because he was stationed in Yuma 🤷‍♀️ . I’m not complaining though . I’m not playing the victim … I listed those examples to remind you that you  just don’t know when you’re going to need a friend . I’ll always have love for Myles as a true friend . Love your friends and be kind to them . Amen ? Because you don’t know when you’re going to need them. 
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Sandre’a 💕🌸❤️💓🌸💕