The Cost Of Love
And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? – Mark 8:36
How Many Times Did You Say?
Eight. I said Eight. Eight times marriage has been brought up to me by eight different men. If you count my soon to be ex-husband it is nine. When I was in the world I had a lot of commitment issues. I had a very dark family secret that I was hiding and I was too afraid to be vulnerable and really tell people what happened and what was going on with me. So I got into relationships that didn’t work. I blocked them and moved on. Then started getting in trouble with God. Because I was so wild. Partying and drinking and then God told me to change or I would miss his return. Hungover I went to church… but I wasn’t feeling it. I had been abused by people in the church so I was not feeling church. So God had to deal with me 1 on 1 in order for me to change. I lost everything . God took everything. God let everyone betray me until one day I surrendered and said God I will do it please just help me. – Jeremiah 29:11
No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. – Romans 8:37
So I started dating and because I took bad advice, I dated men who I had more than. More money, more success, more drive, and that did not go well. See I was listening to the wrong people give me advice about love and marriage. I don’t want who they think I want; I want who God thinks is best. There was one… I still love him and I hate that I love him. Because I think it’s guilt that has made me still love him. He is a very beautiful man to be honest. But what angers me now about that situation is that people who knew my family from my childhood told me not to marry him and that is why I am kind of angry about it now as I am older… How could I listen to church people who listened to someone from my family after they have abused me ?
I did something kind of messed up on him. I was not truthful to him about what I was doing and in turn he moved on and married someone else. For years I was angry at him for that but then God had to make me see that the only reason that transpired is because of what I did to him. I remember when I checked his Instagram and he had all of these pictures posted of his ex-wife. I remember how old fake associates smiled in my face when they told me about his baby. I was really shattered. I was very heartbroken. But I moved on . For years I blamed him for everything and told everyone he got someone pregnant behind my back and lied and didn’t tell the truth. But God had to really talk to me… He reminded me of what transpired before he did all of those things. He reminded me of how he felt when he saw me with someone else. I should not have done that. This failed marriage has really changed my viewpoint on a lot of things. Especially because my husband does terrible things and then acts like he does not know why I don’t want him in any shape , form , or fashion….
I guess this marriage made me revisit myself . It made me think about 19 year old me.. It made me think about all of the bad advice I took.. It made me really come face to face with myself. If you love someone even as a friend … don’t have them in the car with another man. I made a mistake and I apologize for that. I should have never done that.
A terrible marriage really opens your eyes to alot. It is so funny and yet ironic I spoke to him last year (before Instagram took my account stupid jerks)… and he said that if he knew what he knows now things would have been alot different. I didn’t understand what he was saying.. But baby now I do. I don’t know the full details of his divorce but if it is anything close to what I am dealing with I can’t imagine. If I knew what I know now I would have made a lot of different choices.
Looking back on it … why did I think it was ok to pick him up in the car with another man? I really wish I could take that back. Like I said.. My failed marriage made me think about this. But God said because someone did that to you. That is true. That was a whole other revelation. I am not the same anymore. I’m not writing because I’m desperate for him or anything. Lately I have been dealing with so much I just need to write. It is therapeutic. Just write out my pain and frustration.
The hard part about being international is that you don’t know who’s real anymore.. And that’s on God. I swear people are so fake. I remember when God asked me if I could handle my next level. I thought when I crossed over to a million everything would be perfect. God was perfect. But God was reconstructing me.
And now there remain: faith [abiding trust in God and His promises], hope [confident expectation of eternal salvation], love [unselfish love for others growing out of God’s love for me], these three [the choicest graces]; but the greatest of these is love. – 1 Corinthians 13:13
I swear now that people know me, people are so fake. God has to help me alot. They do anything for views. Anything to be seen. I can’t even date because I don’t know who’s real anymore. I do want those romantic vibes and someone just to chill and watch movies with.. Right now I’m not looking for nothing serious just someone to spend time with .. someone who just isn’t fake. Someone that’s not with me to be seen or add me because they see I have 10,000 followers here, or 1 Million there, or 35,000 followers here. I have excellent discernment so nobody can just seep into my life. That is why me and my soon to be ex-husband aren’t working out. Because God tells me everything he does, he lies to my face, and then causes more chaos when God proves me to be right the entire time.
I think this next time around I’m not dating a super spiritual man. Seriously, the men I have dated in the church were DISGUSTING! That is crazy to me. I thought when I became a Christian that my dream man would be in the church. Heck no. These fools are disgusting. Had the find out the hard way one was gay.. That wasn’t fun. One was openly gay and still tried to talk to me while leading praise and worship wearing lipstick and dresses and got mad when I said no. One was attracted to dogs and was traveling and preaching as a prophet. One beat women. One has a pornography addiction. Yet, they are all in the church…. One is a lazy bum almost 40 and still naming himself a rapper on Facebook. One won’t work. One worked at McDonald’s… I’m sick of it.
At this point if you skateboard and at least willing to TRY to read the Bible I can deal with it because this is ridiculous. I cannot believe the men in church are this nasty and disgusting. So here I am like God what do I do? Because I honestly cannot find any man that I want in the church. That is the hard part because the one I did wrong was fine… I’m not lying.. I think that’s why I feel some type of way. I like tall men. So he is 6 ‘2 with curly hair and fine… I feel some type of way just thinking about it.. But what makes me feel even some more type of way.. Is that he wasn’t weird? Lord, I just want a man that is not weird! I don’t know why men in the church are so weird. They all gay wearing nail polish like girls I can’t deal like what I am supposed to do? Lol like they’re soft and weird. I like a very masculine man. These weirdos in the church wearing pink crocs and painting their nails doing photo shoots with their feet out sitting cross legged! I can’t deal with this! Bruh and why are women ok with this ??!! bruh don’t you want your man to box or fight or be wild?! Why do y’all like soft gay men?! Bruh I’m tired of this. I think that’s why I miss my baby daddy. What am I supposed to do? At Least I didn’t have to worry about him wearing blue nail polish . I can’t . My ex-husband let his mom pick his clothes out… I’m done. I want a divorce .I can’t deal with this. I’m living a nightmare. Please God help me escape. I’m tiyurd. At Least my baby daddy didn’t let his mom pick his clothes out . I need God to move in my life right now. I can’t deal.
God Come Rapture Me I’m Tiyurd ,